I always wanted to have kids since my childhood.. sounds weird, isn’t it…? But I really had lot of affection to babies and I loved to babysit other’s kids. But when it came to cherish motherhood, I got the chance in my thirties due to my studies, my choice about marriage and career etc. It was like a dream to have my first baby, but I never knew that being a mom is so hard than playing with someone else’s little munchkin. My journey has been tough and I have tried my best to be a good mother but I have realized eventually that there is no word like “Good Mother”. Mothers are with their imperfections and a lot of love, I sometime hated my mom for being so hard at us, specially me but in the process of giving birth to my own child I developed more and more respect for her.
After having so many difficulties to raise my baby boy with a hectic research career I always thought of having one more kid because to me it felt exciting to experience motherhood once again. In addition to it, I also wanted to have my kid a sibling to whom he can connect better, similar as I am connected to my two younger brothers who are more like a friend for me. To complete my dream family I t,decided to take a short break ( which may extend to a long time) and decided to be a mother one more time but the road is not as smooth as I dream about. Currently, I am pregnant and going to have my second baby in few months but now I feel burdened, exhausted and stressed with upcoming responsibilities and my nowhere going career.
I feel a bit guilty whenever I am having a thoughts like “Was I right?”, “Do I actually wanted this baby”, “Would I be able to raise this child with the same same love” etc. I don’t want my second child to be feel neglected or unwanted and the feeling because, I actually wanted this, but an unstable career and loads of responsibility being a mother of a toddler making it more difficult for me.
One ore reason that may be causing stress is not feeling comfortable with my pregnant body. I am and was never comfortable with being over sized or fat. It looks cute on some ladies and I have also admired some pregnant ladies in past for being so decent and glowing. Unfortunately I could never fit myself into that image, I hate when am gaining weight, my cloth size is increasing every month, my tummy is rounded and protruded. A deteriorated self image is killing me, because I am a kind of perfectionist but things are never perfect. I know I have to deal with all these issues and turn out to be a good mother for both of my kids, because overthinking results in nothing.
Does all mothers feel the same way I am feeling ? Please share with me.